drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
