If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
