And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
