I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
