We won't sleep together?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
