honey bunches of taint.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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