True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
