That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
