I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
