Me. At least after what I've been through.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
