Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
