so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
