sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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