Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
