Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The feeling are messing with the penis
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
