I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
