Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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