I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
