I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
