Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
