sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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