Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So much Jack, so little girl.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
