Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
third nipple confirmed
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
