Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
