Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
