Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
