pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
