i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
