Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
