At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
His nipple licking is glorious
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
