thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
