I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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