I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
