I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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