Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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