I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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