Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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