The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
