This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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