my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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