I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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