Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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