Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
