Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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