Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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