My liver just broke up with me...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
