I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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