she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
