Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Found the puke drawer
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
