I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I pour the whiskey from now on
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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